I imagine, that in this era of conservative Supreme Court decisions, unpunished riotous behavior and mass shootings, I am not alone in wanting to seek some distance from the pulpits which seem to provoke such nonsense. Still, there is no easy shedding of ones past, in terms of belief and practice. I had someone remind me recently of the magnitude of the decision, to be unfaithful to ones upbringing. This poem encapsulates the ambivalence we feel and the misgivings we have, when we discover that our current beliefs are at odds with the beliefs of our youth. Thanks for coming by to read.
How difficult it must have been
To leave behind your childhood creche,
To bow to others on the scene,
And back away and say “You’re next!”
To leave behind the Host and wine
And ritual and Holy Text,
To exit all, as on a whim,
Pursuing greater happiness.
How difficult it must be now,
A ream of prayers, learnt by heart
And Mercy, milked–a willing cow,
Who lows with pleasure as you start
To kneel and pray–and stained glass windows,
Miming tales for the unread,
And incense, floating in the air,
And hymns, that summon up the dead.
How will you cope, when you, at last,
Meet your Creator, face to face?
How will you justify a life
Spent running, running in one place?
And yes, denying Him, like Peter,
Fearing what the world might say,
Determined, to be smarter, better,
In a scientific way,
Concluding, He cannot exist.
And praying, praying, anyway.
Copyright 2022 Andrea LeDew
For a poem about people turning to the church during COVID, read Saints Day. For a short story that mourns a revered church as it burns, read Fire Escape.
Remarkably Indecent
PS You may recall that I got a degree in church music—despite my slipping-away faith. Bach and his church music remain spiritual advisers to this day.
I don’t know if I ever knew that, but it does add another dimension to your movement away from the church. It is the nature of music to escape its ecclesiastical (and political and philosophical)borders, don’t you think?
You take me back, powerfully, to that time my faith started slipping away after confirmation, age 14. The search for a spiritual home never ceased until I found it in secular Buddhism in Thailand 23 years ago. That’s what they call a life-changing trip ☺️
That must have been a fabulous trip. I am glad the poem spoke to you. May we all have such an inspiring journey to enlightenment. 😊
I lost my faith when I left home and discovered that the world is a very bad place.
Mine ebbs and flows. It does not conform precisely to rigid doctrine, and alters somewhat as I grow and change, but It provides something of a scenic overlook, a stable platform perched on a precipice, from which to view the world.
I constantly remind myself that religion is an instrument in the hands of fallible people. People may mess religion up, but if there is a God, they can do nothing to change that.
I think the point of consulting ones moral/spiritual compass, which for many is their faith, is to seek to be in the world, but not of it, that is, to not allow ones inner being to be perpetually wounded by it. Especially in those moments when the world shows us what a bad place it can be.
The strong moral/spiritual compass is something that I didn’t lose, thankfully.